They want to go to bed with you. They want to go to ceramics class with us.

This week’s TV Quote of the Week is from Mindy Kaling’s appearance on Live With Kelly and Michael (only 1 more day until The Mindy Project is back into our lives!). Mindy was talking about the difference between her fans (and Kelly’s fans) and Michael’s fans. She brilliantly explained they want to be her best friend, and Michael’s special friend. Being a fan of both sounds like a pretty solid life to me. #LetsAllBeFriends

TVQOTW Runner Up: “Do you have an attorney?” – Donny from Big Brother

Donny from Big Brother reminded everyone why they loved him so much when BB visited the jury house last week. He was talking to Christine about her relationship with Cody, and I’m pretty sure he was half-joking and half-serious about her need for a divorce lawyer. #TeamDonny

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Wave goodbye to the two blondes with the glasses! *Wave emoji.* After Caleb won HOH and nominated Christine and Nicole, Nicole was sent packing (for the second time!) after Christine won the veto. In the second double eviction of the summer, Derrick won HOH and nominated Christine and Victoria. Frankie won the veto (boo) and didn’t use it, so a very bitter Christine was forced to leave boytoy Cody and head to the jury house (with all the people she betrayed). The good news? Christine was booed on her way out, Nicole is going to see Hayden again, and Julie revealed the biggest twist yet: a button that if pressed (spoiler alert: they pressed it less than 24 hours of it’s arrival) will reset the game on the night of the live eviction. What does that mean exactly? That it doesn’t matter who wins HOH (spoiler alert: Frankie), who is nominated and who wins the veto, because they will play everything over on Wednesday’s show. #DRAMA *Dun, dun, dun, duhhh*

Caleb: Caleb missed out on a huge opportunity to get rid of Frankie this week, and I’m not happy about it. I also think he was wearing Cody’s Rutgers sweatshirt because he wanted viewers to think he was Cody and find him attractive. #BeastModeOrNah

Cody: Hottest. Dinosaur. Ever.  As always, #CodysAbs.

Derrick: Ah, Derrick. The only one who has a chance of winning BB and he totally knows it. Why else would he put up with listening to Victoria complain about Christine’s laugh for hours? #HollabackDerrick #Winning

Frankie: The main reason I want Frankie to get evicted is so he can see that America doesn’t love him as much as he thinks they do. Go back to your YouTube channel and Ariana’s shadow. #FrankieWearsMoreMascaraThanMe

Victoria: “I’m extremely confident that the golden power of veto is going to be around my neck.” That is a direct quote. I didn’t make it up. I don’t know what’s funnier, that Victoria thought she was going to win a competition, or that she’s in the final 5 and thinks she did something to deserve it. #Lol #VictoriaForTheFinal2

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It’s been two weeks since I’ve talked Big Brother, and a lot has happened. Zach is gone! Nicole is back! Nicole and Jocasta accidentally kissed on the lips! Team America doesn’t get any apple pie! And Donny has been evicted *sad face emoji*.

Cody won HOH this week and nominated a fresh out of the jury house Nicole and fan favorite Donny. He also won the veto, and decided not to make any changes to his nominations. Despite Derrick and Frankie trying to save their Team America teammate, Donny was sent home and America hasn’t stopped crying. The good news? The Bold and the Beautiful wants him to guest star on an episode and watching Donny in a soap opera is the thing that dreams are made of. The bad news? Donny doesn’t know if his old job is going to hire him back, and we need to get #RehireDonny trending ASAP.

Caleb: Caleb’s brother is basically his twin and that scares me for so many reasons. #TheWorldDoesntNeedTwoBeastModeCowboys

Cody: Do you think Cody uses his tears (the dude gets more emotional than any guy I know) to gel his hair back? Also, I can forgive Cody for getting out Donny and still root for him because #CodysAbs.

Christine: Ah, Christine. CBS made the best decision in BB history to visit Christine’s hometown and interview her husband and family about her relationship with Cody.  Without straight up calling her a bad wife, they all called her a bad wife. It says a lot when even your mom is rooting against you. And your dad. And your brother. And your husband who’s gauges are big enough to have their own twitter page. #ChristinesHusbandsGauges

Derrick: Now that Donny is gone, I want Derrick to win. He’s playing a great game and has the cutest daughter in the world. He’s also managed to lose weight and grow facial hair during his time in the BB house, and that’s time well spend. #DerrickTransformationTuesday

Frankie: Frankie trying relive his “Broadway days” (I use quotes because I don’t believe they really happened), made me dislike him even more. His play was funny for about half a second, and he refused to use the mission to save Donny. #FrankieIsAnOverwhelmingNo

Nicole: Nicole without Hayden is like a smore without a marshmallow. I like chocolate and graham crackers on their own, but I love them with marshmallows. #ReuniteHicole or #Nicden?

Victoria: Laughing forever that Victoria needs to pass out and get sick to get any screen time. #DoesVictoriaEvenGoToThisSchool

Tune in next time for a double eviction and another opportunity to fan-girl over Julie Chen’s outfits.

 

Beverly Hills, 90210 taught me everything.

Da-na-na-na, da-na-na-na! Click, click! Nicole Richie re-taught the world the genius of Beverly Hills, 90210 on this week’s Candidly Nicole. Her little sister Sofia had never heard of the 90s drama, and Nicole thought it was the perfect way for them to bond. She explained that they need to be Kelly and Donna not Kelly and Brenda, that Jackie Taylor was a mess and the importance of Dylan McKay. Just like 90210, Candidly Nicole is a must-see. Bonus points for Sofia’s Donna Martin Graduates shirt.
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TVQOTW Runner Up: “Victoria, I would zing you, but I’m only supposed to zing people that are actually playing the game.” -Kathy Griffin

Kathy Griffin visited the Big Brother house this week and made our BB hearts very, very happy. Calling out Christine and Cody was also amazing, but Victoria’s face made her zing the best. Poor girl thought she was actually playing Big Brother.

Bonus quote: “It’s not gay, if it’s McKay.” – Ben from Candidly Nicole
#FirstCrush #LastCrush
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First things first, the commentary by Zach during last week’s live show that we didn’t originally see (but they showed us in the previously) is the funniest thing ever. I can’t decide if it would be fun to live with him or if I’d rather bang my head against the wall. Now regarding the game, Nicole and Christine won HOH and seemingly became friends again. Nicole nominated Frankie and Caleb, while Christine nominated Donny and Zach. Both of the girls wanted to make big moves, and were planning on evicting either Zach or Frankie. Instead, after Frankie won the BOB (and “beast mode” sat and watched, even though if he actually played he could have really messed up Frankie and more successfully threw the competition), Christine nominated Nicole and sent her packing. The good news? Nicole and Hayden are now in the jury house together and can get to making blonde, dorky babies. In the BB house, Donny and Victoria are the only two left without an alliance, and now that Derrick and Frankie are HOH, things aren’t looking good for them.

Caleb: Caleb’s game should be just fine for at least a few more weeks, but Caleb’s headscarves need to go away. I wouldn’t be surprised if they show up soon on Pretty Little Liars, and A trades her hoodie for a headscarf. Or a combo. #CalebIsA
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Christine: While I’m upset that Christine backdoored Nicole, I understand why she had to do it. Her game could be in danger in the future because she’s one of the the only girls left in an all boy’s game, but her marriage could be in trouble sooner. On livefeeds, the cameras keep zooming in on her cuddling and touching Cody, and the other houseguests have started to notice. #WhatGameAreYouPlayingChristine

Cody: Speaking of Christine (and her husband), I’m thinking Cody was dreaming about meeting Christine’s husband when he punched himself in the face when he was sleeping. #CodysAbsCantGetHimOutOfThisOne

Derrick: Despite getting involved in some drama with Victoria, Derrick managed to turn the whole thing around and blame everyone else. He continues to be the frontrunner, and I don’t know what is going to stop him. #Derrick4Prez

Donny: I noticed two things about Donny this week. The first, he sleeps with his visor on, and second, he was wearing a shirt I’ve never seen before on the live show! And it was long sleeved! #DonnysSoFancy #YouAlreadyKnow

Frankie:  Am I the only one who is starting to hate Frankie? After getting caught in his game of lies, he tried to use being Ariana Grande’s brother to get back on everyone’s good side. It didn’t really work, but it was hilarious to see the reactions of the houseguests. And to answer your question Donny, I don’t know what a mogul is either. #FrankieDoesntHaveOneLessProblem

Victoria: Victoria said more than 5 words this week! She had more than one scene! She’s still terrible at Big Brother! #VictoriasUglyCryingFace 

Zach: This week Zach proved to be even worse at being Gossip Girl than Georgia was in GG season 5. The drama starter tried to get in the middle of Derrick’s game with Victoria, but ended up being the only one who got yelled at. The amazing thing is no matter who Zach fights with and how mad, he sticks around week after week. #XOXOZachAttack

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Holy Big Brother! Just when I thought this season was getting boring, a double eviction and a backstabbing Christine made it interesting again. Since I last recapped, Amber and Brittany have left the house in unanimous votes (boooring) and I’ve realized it makes more sense to write my hashtags after Thursday’s eviction instead of Sunday’s BOB. All of the madness started when Nicole and Donny won HOH, and nominated Zach and Jocasta and Victoria and Caleb. Someway, somehow “beast mode cowboy” Caleb and overdressed princess Victoria won the Battle of the Block, and left Zach and Jocasta nominated (and Nicole HOH). While Nicole planned on backdooring Frankie, her former BFF Christine won the veto and decided not to use it. Jocasta, who loves talking about Jocasta in the 3rd person, went home (even though all week Derrick & friends planned on kicking out Zach). In the Double Eviction HOH competition, Caleb won and nominated Hayden and Donny. Beast mode old man won the veto, and Caleb put up Nicole next to her boy Hayden as a replacement nominee. Hayden was evicted and left behind a house with an endless amount of possibilities.

Caleb: After being forced to shave his head after the BOB competition, I learned Caleb cares about his looks even more than I thought. #CalebLovesMiracleGrowth #AndAmber #Still

Christine: Not only did Christine decide to stay loyal to The Detonators instead of her close friend Nicole, she also decided to make up rumors about Hayden and Victoria to upset Nicole. If BB was a teen drama, Christine would be the Dawson to Hayden and Nicole’s Pacey and Joey. #ChristineIsTheDawson

Cody: Cody has consistently stayed beautiful and safe in the house. Cody and Zac Efron= #Zody

Derrick: This week proved once again that Derrick has all of the power in the house. #DerrickIsInEveryAlliance #EvenThoughItsSpelledDerek

Donny: After being nominated multiple times, Donny has managed to stay in the game, and keep his beard and Harvard Medical shirt perfect. #DonnyPetsHisBeardDuringEveryConvo

Frankie: While Frankie continues to be “best friends” with everyone in the house, I think it’s only a matter of time before his time is up. It’s also only a matter of time before something else is up between him and Zach. #WillZankieStickTogether? #OrWillOneBeAFruitloopDingus?

Nicole: After losing Hayden and Christine turning out to be the worst, I’m rooting for Nicole to make big moves and win BB. #NicoleMissesHerQuadropolisHayden

Victoria: The fact that Victoria made it to jury is honestly mindblowing. She’s managed to win a few competitions, but is still pretty useless. #AllVictoriaCaresAboutIsLotion

Zach: After yelling at over half of the houseguests, it’s also mindblowing that Zach is still in the house, and still in the most powerful alliance. #ZachsAPoet #AndThinksWeCareToKnowIt

Recaps, Gifs and Everything You Need To Know: July 27th to August 3rd

I just spend the last week working at Sister Pats Kids Camp, and while I love the campers and the break from reality (more on that later), I missed TV (and all things pop culture). I’m quickly catching up on everything I missed, and feel the need to share my thoughts on another crazy week of reality TV, Kardashians and more (oh my!).

First things first, The Bachelorette finale gave us one of the best “After The Final Rose” specials ever. After our girl Andi picked I-have-the-best-smile-in-the-world-and-I’m-not-afraid-to-use-it Josh, she left I’ve-been-in-love-with-you-since-day-1-and-America-thinks-I’m-creepy Nick in tears. And after multiple failed attempts to talk to Andi after she dumped him (all conveniently captured by ABC and definitely not staged), Nick got his chance to speak to his ex-girlfriend (who was dating one or 25 other people during their entire relationship). He spend about 15 minutes rambling and making no sense, until he blurted out “If you weren’t in love with me, Why did you make love to me?”… !!!!!!!!!!!!!
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On other reality TV classics, Zach on Big Brother has lost his mind and confirmed my suspicions that he’s Zack Morris by getting involved in everyone’s business and causing unnecessary trouble. And while the term “fruit loop dingus” will go down in BB history, Amber just went down and was evicted (a CBS spin-off or storyline on their new show Stalker where Caleb continues to win her over should be announced soon). On Teen Mom 2, Leah gave Jenelle a run for her money as the most disastrous cast member when she starting taking anxiety medicine that made her mumble, practically fall asleep at work and talk to her daughter’s doctor about “too much dye in the head.” The scene was hard to watch, and if that’s not enough, it looks like issues with her husband Jeremy are going to be the star of the next episode. Leah and Jenelle should start a play group, or I don’t know relationship/drug rehab.
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I haven’t watched the newest Pretty Little Liars yet, but I’m in no rush because I’m 99% sure nothing happened (besides another character becoming a lesbian). Of course I’ll still watch, because one of these TuesdAys the show will answer some questions and the girls will start to dress better again. #imAbeliever. You should also know The Hills is airing on MTV in the morning, and is just as good as you remember. Plus, Candidly Nicole is consistently hilarious, and Dating Naked and Married At First Sight are too good to miss. There’s just no reason for dating someone you’ve met off camera anymore.
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In Kardashian news, the family has amazed me even more by making the Thailand vacation even more dramatic than the other ones (I thought Kim crying over the lost earring was the end of good family vacations, but boy was I wrong). If you missed it, Rob is still fat, Kim continues to hide baby North from the camera, the Jenner boys are trying to stay relevant, Bruce and Kris still hate each other and Khloé misses Lamar. Outside of their show, the Kisters took to twitter to hate on Adrienne Bailon because she said dating Rob ruined her career. I know Rob is the victim in this situation, but I feel bad for Adrienne because she thinks she has a career (no offense Ade, cheetahs forever!). The Kardashians also headed to Ibiza and partied with Justin Bieber. Speaking of The Biebs, don’t think I forgot about his fight with Orlando Bloom. Even though I used my entire family plan’s data, I found a way to follow this story from the campfire. The two were fighting over Bloom’s ex wife, Miranda Kerr, who Justin reportedly hooked up with. So basically, the VS angels are proving over and over again that they are dumber than we all thought by all taking turns with Bieber.
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Last but not least, the new Sharknado premiered (Sharknado 2: The Second One) and it’s even better than the first. The celebrity cameos itself make the movie a must see, and Tara Reid’s Saw-Hand makes it a double must see. Bonus points because my cousin Brian met Ian Ziering at a screening party of the movie. In other words, I’m practically related to STEVE SANDERS (from Beverly Hills, 90210 duh). I wonder if Steve is still hung up on Kelly, or if him and Janet had even more kids. I know he’s still totally besties with Brandon and probably making a career doing ridiculously dumb TV movies (hehe).
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Sarah Marie will now be back to her (do blogs have genders?!) regularly scheduled programing. Come back for more TVQOTW, BB recaps and half-ridiculous, half-totally-necessary posts.